He is the type of guy who will hurt me in few weeks. But the first few weeks would be incredible …hmm maybe. He is egotistical, charming and intelligent. He is tall and slim. He is 6 1/2 years younger than me and yet he finds a way to intimidate me. It’s most likely because I don’t know him well enough and the way he is so quick to judge others without looking at all other spectrum. Either way, few months ago, I decided to just “let it be” and not pursue any further after an incident that made me realize he just isn’t worth the pain.

Except last night I had this dream about him. This forbidden ’sexual tension’ in my dream made me contact him via e-mail today. Casual banter and that’s all. But its the intensity inside me today that’s driving me insane. I just want to kiss him. I want to know. I want to feel the passion, the infatuation, the chemistry, the drunkness…oh yes that!

Oh how I have imagined…yes I did indeed, few times actually. You know what it would be like to kiss him. Once, standing outside our class while I was on the phone, he had decided to come out of class as well (he always seem to…maybe to hear my voice as well?). I wanted him to grab me, throw my phone away, push me against the wall and kiss me deeply while I run my hands through the bob dylan hair of his (except his is sexier & more clean looking). My friend calls him “Adonis”. I don’t know about that but he does indeed have chiselled features.

Anyway, none of that ever really happened except we have gotten into arguments. pah! because lets face it, communication via MSN just sucks.
But the way he handled it was a good “knock in the head” to make me realize….how young he was & other than a quick passionate fuck, it would not go any further.

But hot damn, when did horoscopes decided to become insightful???

Daily Planet Overview
You’ll be afraid of the power of your feelings today with Venus opposite Pluto. Your sexuality will be strong and intense. You may become obsessed with someone and go too far. Keep your emotions in balance, and be realistic.

I got a job with a non-profit. working with immigrant youth. Its the first time I’m not in “charge”. Its a different feeling. I don’t mind it actually. Its nice to actually learn from someone else rather than learn from trial and error, that’s how I always did my job.

Its 2.5 days times a week and I make pretty good money. 4 day weekend? Hello? Dream come true, anyone?

So far I like the ‘team’. Its only 4.5 of us. All women, should be darn interesting. One is a lesbian and one is married to a South Asian – same country I’m from.

I’m just glad I didn’t have to lie to get this job, i.e. lie about not going back to school this September. I hate lying so its good that I can actually work and go to school full time.

Lets hope this stays as good as it seems.

err …not really fly but close enough!

I can ride a bike!!!

Its a huge accomplishment for me…and I couldn’t have done it without the help of this wonderful person named Andy.

Cutest thing was that this lady was watching me prior and when I was able to bike, she passed by and congratulated me!!

That was really nice. The fact that a stranger experienced my joy as well ^_^

I wish my parents were proud of me of my accomplishment.

My dad asked, “Why do I need to know how to bike?”

ah well. Who cares

I did it FOR ME!

It’s weird what catches our eye…
We see what we want to see & sometimes we see through our unconscious mind.
Sitting on a park bench, reading a book and people watching was nice way to spend a beautiful evening.

My heart sank a little and I felt my throat closing in…I was so scared to look …
Look at the perfection that I never had or will ever have.

It’s the perfect family…
They were brown, some kind of Asian like me.
Mother holding the father’s hand and the father had his arm around their only child – a daughter about my age.
They were colourful. At a park that was still waiting to blossom, they were the real flowers.
It was so beautiful but yet I was so scared to look. Scared that if I look too long, I might see a flaw and ruin the image of perfection that I’m seeing.
I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes got a little wet…
I hold back, in fear that …someone might see me spying or violating their privacy
I kept watching without being obvious till they disappeared behind the crowd of other families.

I never knew that could exist.
I tried to picture mine but I know if my ‘family’ ever did do something like that, it would be fake and it would end in an argument.

It’s this constant pain…the void…the ache, it just never leaves.

I feel very empty.

Which one really happened?

May 6
8am: Flight to Singapore
11:30am: Landing on your stop-over to B.C: feeling anxious, excited? scared? that I’m actually going to Singapore?
1:00pm: boarding for flight to Singapore on a Singapore Airlines!! YAY…Singapore Airlines has great service and food!
6pm: sleeping and dreaming about childhood days in Singapore
12am in Singapore: landing!
12:45am: picked up by my new landlord and Manager!!!
2am: my new room?? wow…sleeping in Singapore?

…wow…what’s tomorrow? this is the best experience of my life starting today?

May 6
8am: roommate telling you how she blurted about your business to your friend she doesn’t know
10:00am: sitting at a welfare office because you have no other way of surviving
11:30am> on wards. Roommates calls to tell you she lost your cat and doesn’t know what to do
12:00pm> already short on cash but takes the taxi back to buckfuck nowhere, cyring, cat in a hole, crying, scared and hates roommate!
2pm> cat comes out!
3pm> goes to get litter
5pm> tired, exhausted.
10pm> fallen asleep was suppose to meet boyfriend after his class
11pm> food poisioning
11:15pm: walk to the hospital
12:10am: admitted to hospital…the medication is making me shake involuntarily. my heart is racing fast. What if I have a heart attack?
1:15am: the medication is making me sleepy….
4:15am: walk home from the hospital…

The worst Day of my life?

I wish I knew what I know now…we say that sometimes when something goes wrong. I think we say it when we regret about a situation that puts us in an unlikely place. I don’t have a sense of regret. Maybe few weeks, months or years from now, I might? But I knew a month ago when I was offered the position by ‘fluke’ that this wasn’t right for me. Actually I knew even when I applied for the internship that it wasn’t the right time and I even told my friends. Its quite possible, because I said it out loud and felt it so strongly about it not being the right time I made it not the right time.

It wasn’t the right time for a lot of reasons. I won’t list them out because I know what they are but my feelings towards them are more so justified than if I was on the plane right now, questioning myself “why am I going?”

I feel the changes coming and I will grasp the good changes, because this is the right time. I need to be free. I can’t fly free if my legs are still tied to the nest. All I would be doing is giving myself the illusion of flying around the same tree with no more knowledge than what I already knew yesterday.

In the next four months, there will be a lot of changes. I will make the best out of it and make sure my future is cleared off small stones for me to walk on, bare feet if I so choose.

Through this process, I want my quick temper to fade and judging others negatively to fade.
Most importantly, I want to trust again. I actually want to believe myself that I can trust again.

My soul is in pain.

This possibly my 10th time trying to write a blog …consistently.

I never wrote a blog that actually stayed on for a year.  When it becomes too personal, it becomes too hard to handle. Too painful to write and share with strangers.  I start to wonder what are they thinking when they read?

This blog isn’t about chocolate.  Even thought I’m addicted to it. I would like to live in a chocolate bubble if I could. But I think more so I’m addicted to pain. I don’t want it yet it finds me. Kinda like Chocolate. In my world, its everywhere I turn.

I’m in constant pain. This just isn’t going away. It isn’t some boy this time. It’s not something I can just get over with time. It’s my father that caused me the pain. He broke my trust. I haven’t seen him for over a month. He hurt me more than anyone in this world and yet, he thinks just telling me, “So what if I lied?” is sufficient enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. What kind of father is this? I didn’t want your money. I wanted your love. I wanted to trust you and be close to you so I can talk to you. I don’t need your money. You can’t buy my trust back with money. I’m still alive without your money…but I feel dead inside knowing someone I loved for so long, admired and trusted can throw away everything so quickly.

With everything else in my past. I can’t get this brick off my chest. Till the day comes that I actually tell you how much you have hurt me, I’ll try to find my own happiness. I am going to be selfish. I will find it.

Here is my search…

I’m writing my final exam tomorrow, it’s a bit scary!
I’m finally done my first year at York….it was a hard year but I made it.

Just 2 more years…or 3 depending on what transpires in June…that’s when I’ll find out about BEd admission, but I’m nervous and worried that there is a good possibility I won’t get in. I already saw one of my grades and I got a C (SC NATS) and I heard they select students with an A-average. Unless, I did really well in my interview (which I’m also worried about & not really sure I did the best I could have) and my application (which obviously was good since I got an interview).

I guess what I feel right now is…scared. A lot of things are changing so quickly.

I got my second tattoo today

Its a design of shooting stars on the back of my neck.

Shooting stars tend to be associated with a moment in time that left a lasting impression, whether a short romance, special event, a person, job, anything that may have changed the person’s life.

This year definitely represents all of those and more.