I wish I knew what I know now…we say that sometimes when something goes wrong. I think we say it when we regret about a situation that puts us in an unlikely place. I don’t have a sense of regret. Maybe few weeks, months or years from now, I might? But I knew a month ago when I was offered the position by ‘fluke’ that this wasn’t right for me. Actually I knew even when I applied for the internship that it wasn’t the right time and I even told my friends. Its quite possible, because I said it out loud and felt it so strongly about it not being the right time I made it not the right time.
It wasn’t the right time for a lot of reasons. I won’t list them out because I know what they are but my feelings towards them are more so justified than if I was on the plane right now, questioning myself “why am I going?”
I feel the changes coming and I will grasp the good changes, because this is the right time. I need to be free. I can’t fly free if my legs are still tied to the nest. All I would be doing is giving myself the illusion of flying around the same tree with no more knowledge than what I already knew yesterday.
In the next four months, there will be a lot of changes. I will make the best out of it and make sure my future is cleared off small stones for me to walk on, bare feet if I so choose.
Through this process, I want my quick temper to fade and judging others negatively to fade.
Most importantly, I want to trust again. I actually want to believe myself that I can trust again.
My soul is in pain.
