so good, yet so bad

err …not really fly but close enough!

I can ride a bike!!!

Its a huge accomplishment for me…and I couldn’t have done it without the help of this wonderful person named Andy.

Cutest thing was that this lady was watching me prior and when I was able to bike, she passed by and congratulated me!!

That was really nice. The fact that a stranger experienced my joy as well ^_^

I wish my parents were proud of me of my accomplishment.

My dad asked, “Why do I need to know how to bike?”

ah well. Who cares

I did it FOR ME!

It’s weird what catches our eye…
We see what we want to see & sometimes we see through our unconscious mind.
Sitting on a park bench, reading a book and people watching was nice way to spend a beautiful evening.

My heart sank a little and I felt my throat closing in…I was so scared to look …
Look at the perfection that I never had or will ever have.

It’s the perfect family…
They were brown, some kind of Asian like me.
Mother holding the father’s hand and the father had his arm around their only child – a daughter about my age.
They were colourful. At a park that was still waiting to blossom, they were the real flowers.
It was so beautiful but yet I was so scared to look. Scared that if I look too long, I might see a flaw and ruin the image of perfection that I’m seeing.
I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes got a little wet…
I hold back, in fear that …someone might see me spying or violating their privacy
I kept watching without being obvious till they disappeared behind the crowd of other families.

I never knew that could exist.
I tried to picture mine but I know if my ‘family’ ever did do something like that, it would be fake and it would end in an argument.

It’s this constant pain…the void…the ache, it just never leaves.

I feel very empty.

Which one really happened?

May 6
8am: Flight to Singapore
11:30am: Landing on your stop-over to B.C: feeling anxious, excited? scared? that I’m actually going to Singapore?
1:00pm: boarding for flight to Singapore on a Singapore Airlines!! YAY…Singapore Airlines has great service and food!
6pm: sleeping and dreaming about childhood days in Singapore
12am in Singapore: landing!
12:45am: picked up by my new landlord and Manager!!!
2am: my new room?? wow…sleeping in Singapore?

…wow…what’s tomorrow? this is the best experience of my life starting today?

May 6
8am: roommate telling you how she blurted about your business to your friend she doesn’t know
10:00am: sitting at a welfare office because you have no other way of surviving
11:30am> on wards. Roommates calls to tell you she lost your cat and doesn’t know what to do
12:00pm> already short on cash but takes the taxi back to buckfuck nowhere, cyring, cat in a hole, crying, scared and hates roommate!
2pm> cat comes out!
3pm> goes to get litter
5pm> tired, exhausted.
10pm> fallen asleep was suppose to meet boyfriend after his class
11pm> food poisioning
11:15pm: walk to the hospital
12:10am: admitted to hospital…the medication is making me shake involuntarily. my heart is racing fast. What if I have a heart attack?
1:15am: the medication is making me sleepy….
4:15am: walk home from the hospital…

The worst Day of my life?

I wish I knew what I know now…we say that sometimes when something goes wrong. I think we say it when we regret about a situation that puts us in an unlikely place. I don’t have a sense of regret. Maybe few weeks, months or years from now, I might? But I knew a month ago when I was offered the position by ‘fluke’ that this wasn’t right for me. Actually I knew even when I applied for the internship that it wasn’t the right time and I even told my friends. Its quite possible, because I said it out loud and felt it so strongly about it not being the right time I made it not the right time.

It wasn’t the right time for a lot of reasons. I won’t list them out because I know what they are but my feelings towards them are more so justified than if I was on the plane right now, questioning myself “why am I going?”

I feel the changes coming and I will grasp the good changes, because this is the right time. I need to be free. I can’t fly free if my legs are still tied to the nest. All I would be doing is giving myself the illusion of flying around the same tree with no more knowledge than what I already knew yesterday.

In the next four months, there will be a lot of changes. I will make the best out of it and make sure my future is cleared off small stones for me to walk on, bare feet if I so choose.

Through this process, I want my quick temper to fade and judging others negatively to fade.
Most importantly, I want to trust again. I actually want to believe myself that I can trust again.

My soul is in pain.

This possibly my 10th time trying to write a blog …consistently.

I never wrote a blog that actually stayed on for a year.  When it becomes too personal, it becomes too hard to handle. Too painful to write and share with strangers.  I start to wonder what are they thinking when they read?

This blog isn’t about chocolate.  Even thought I’m addicted to it. I would like to live in a chocolate bubble if I could. But I think more so I’m addicted to pain. I don’t want it yet it finds me. Kinda like Chocolate. In my world, its everywhere I turn.

I’m in constant pain. This just isn’t going away. It isn’t some boy this time. It’s not something I can just get over with time. It’s my father that caused me the pain. He broke my trust. I haven’t seen him for over a month. He hurt me more than anyone in this world and yet, he thinks just telling me, “So what if I lied?” is sufficient enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. What kind of father is this? I didn’t want your money. I wanted your love. I wanted to trust you and be close to you so I can talk to you. I don’t need your money. You can’t buy my trust back with money. I’m still alive without your money…but I feel dead inside knowing someone I loved for so long, admired and trusted can throw away everything so quickly.

With everything else in my past. I can’t get this brick off my chest. Till the day comes that I actually tell you how much you have hurt me, I’ll try to find my own happiness. I am going to be selfish. I will find it.

Here is my search…